undisclosed-re

Italians Help Family No Matter What

2006-08-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

Restricted Malaysian Children Names

2006-08-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

“Malaysian parents will no longer be allowed to give their children names deemed unsuitable by authorities, a report says.

According to the New Straits Times, the National Registration Department will not allow names with undesirable meanings in the languages used by the country's three main ethnic groups.

Malaysia's population of 26 million is dominated by some 60% Malays, 26% Chinese and 8% Indians.

Department spokesperson Jainisah Mohd Noor was quoted by the newspaper as saying the list was compiled following input from various religious and cultural groups.

Jainisah said parents could not name their babies after colours, animals, insects, fruits or vegetables.

-AFP

Ken Lay

2006-07-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

“Ken Lay’s only been dead a week, but already has a book out. It's called The Five People You Meet In Hell.

-Jay Leno

Things you'd love to say out loud at work:

2006-07-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

22. Do I look like a people person?

23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

24. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

34. Chaos, panic,& disorder-my work here is done.

35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

36. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

37. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different

38. "Jesus loves you--but everyone else thinks you're .........an asshole."

Rush LimPaugh - Busted Again!

2006-06-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/06/27/limbaugh.viagra.ap/index.html?section=cnn_us

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (AP) -- Rush Limbaugh could see a deal with prosecutors in a long-running prescription fraud case collapse after authorities found a bottle of Viagra in his bag at Palm Beach International Airport. The prescription was not in his name.

Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at the airport after returning from a vacation in the Dominican Republic.

Customs officials found the Viagra in his luggage but his name was not on the prescription, said Paul Miller, a spokesman for the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office.

Miller said the alleged violation could be a second-degree misdemeanor. The sheriff's office was investigating and will soon turn the case over to the state attorney's office, which had no immediate comment Tuesday.

Under the deal reached last month with prosecutors, Limbaugh was not to be arrested for any infraction for 18 months in exchange for authorities deferring a charge of "doctor shopping."

Prosecutors had alleged the conservative talk-show host illegally deceived multiple physicians to receive overlapping painkiller prescriptions.

Limbaugh also must submit to random drug tests and continue treatment for his admitted addiction to painkillers.

Limbaugh's doctor had prescribed the Viagra, but it was "labeled as being issued to the physician rather than Mr. Limbaugh for privacy purposes," Roy Black, Limbaugh's attorney, said in a statement.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection examined the 55-year-old radio commentator's luggage after his private plane landed at the airport, Miller said.

Investigators confiscated the drugs, which treat erectile dysfunction. Limbaugh was released without being charged.

Sara Pipalini

2006-06-23T13:24:00.000-05:00

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Arev Armenian Folk Ensemble at the 6th Annual Armenian Music Awards (2004)

2006-06-21T09:41:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rw22hOM4U8

More about them:
http://www.arevensemble.org
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=78241295

New Element Discovered

2006-06-07T07:51:00.000-05:00

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to
complete.

Governmentium does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration!

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Smart Woman

2006-06-05T07:54:00.000-05:00

While watching the football the other night Andrea and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart woman.

Presidential Briefing

2006-06-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

At a briefing this morning, Donald Rumsfeld informed the President that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A Drunk Looking for a Push

2006-05-31T08:56:00.000-05:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Different Commercials

2006-05-24T12:11:00.000-05:00

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/09073.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/01534.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/12521.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/04010.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/13022.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/25999.htm

http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2005/winners/films/flv/26017.htm

Second Opinion

2006-05-24T12:02:00.000-05:00

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 > neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know? "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Bill Maher's New Rules

2006-05-24T07:52:00.000-05:00

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

ME, VT, NH, MA

2006-05-16T07:55:00.000-05:00

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from Maine, one from Vermont, one from New Hampshire, and the last one is from Massachusetts.

A bit down the road the man from Maine starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from New Hampshire turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Maine says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Maine, I'm getting sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Vermont begins pulling bottles of Maple syrup from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from New Hampshire asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Vermont replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned jugs in Vermont I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from New Hampshire opens the car door
and pushes the man from Massachusetts out.

Price of Gas

2006-05-15T10:12:00.000-05:00

“The price of gas is getting so high, this morning I saw Patrick Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh carpooling to rehab together.”

-Jay Leno

The Father

2006-05-11T07:32:00.000-05:00

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The young boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied," My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, " My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and 2 grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, " I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Little Mary Margaret

2006-05-11T07:17:00.000-05:00

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

Hyper Pygmy Goats

2006-05-07T17:16:00.000-05:00

Hilda takes a nutty on Fern after seeing the ponies in the neighboring farm field.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZwyw9CQij4

Observations

2006-05-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
4. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
5. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
6. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
7. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
8. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
9. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Viagra

2006-05-01T07:36:00.000-05:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also known as Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally poor himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Quote on Oil Profits

2006-04-28T10:40:00.000-05:00

"While Exxon Mobil executives are popping champagne and celebrating their record profits, American families are popping antacids under the strain of soaring gas prices.”

-Sen. Bob Menendez, New Jersey Democrat

Catholic Elementary School Test

2006-04-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada . Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

2006-04-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said "NO".
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, traveling, had lots of friends, drank martinis, always had a clean house and never had to cook.

The End

The Bear & the Rabbi

2006-04-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Political Science 101- 2006 Update

2006-04-26T07:56:00.000-05:00

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when
one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for
the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the
best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Installing Husband

2006-04-18T09:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command:
"http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2
and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application
works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Barack Obama at the Gridiron Dinner

2006-04-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

Senator Barack Obama not only has impeccable timing, but the
freshman Democratic senator from Illinois also can sing. And at the
annual dinner of The Gridiron Club, Obama took the spotlight to poke
fun at the Bush administration, lampoon Vice President Dick Cheney's
hunting mishap and even take a few pokes at himself and his own
party. He rolled it all out with extraordinary ease and unloosed a
song to boot, sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain,'' with the
punch-line landing on John McCain.

Obama,opened with a show of pleasure for the "extravaganza'' of the
evening, attended by Bush, Cheney, half the Cabinet, Chief Justice
John Roberts Jr., the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff and a
cast of media stars. "Men in tails. Women in gowns,'' Obama
marveled. "An orchestra playing, as folks reminisce about the good
old days. Kind of like dinner at the Kerrys'.

"Nice to see you, Mr. President and Mrs. Bush,'' Obama said to the
president seated to his right and first lady to his left. "I think
it takes a great spirit for the president, who we all know is an
early riser, to sit here until midnight and hear himself lampooned,
when he could be back at the White House enjoying a quiet, peaceful
night, watching TV and approving secret wiretaps.''

"The truth is, I'm terrified to be here,'' he said. "Not because
you're such a tough audience, but because they're serving drinks.
I'm standing about 30 yards from the vice president, and I'm a
lawyer. The only thing that could make this more dangerous is if he
considered me a friend.

"Mr. Vice President, I know you came here expecting to be a target,
which, it turns out, may prove easier for you than shooting at
one,'' said Obama. "But I do want to thank you. For years, we
Democrats have succeeded in doing little more than shooting
ourselves in the foot. You've taught us a valuable lesson,'' Obama
told Cheney. "Aim higher.''

"There's probably only one person more sick of these jokes than you,
and that's your wife,'' Obama continued. "It's an honor to share
this stage with Lynne Cheney - a great personage in her own right.
Scholar. Author. A few years ago, she wrote a book called, Telling
the Truth, or as they call it in the vice president's office,
Telling the truth - 24 hours later."

Obama noted the absence of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: "You
know, the president promised a muscular foreign policy. And anyone
who's seen the Condi Rice workout tapes knows he means business.

"This appearance is really the capstone of an incredible 18
months,'' Obama said, turning to his own brief career in the U.S.
Senate. "I've been very blessed. Keynote speaker at the Democratic
convention. The cover of Newsweek. My book made the best-seller
list. I just won a Grammy for reading it on tape. And I've had the
chance to speak not once but twice before the Gridiron Club.
"Really, what else is there to do?'' he asked. "Well, I guess I
could pass a law or something.

"About that book, some folks thought it was a little presumptuous to
write an autobiography at the age of 33,'' the senator said. "But
people seemed to like it. So now I'm working on volume two - the
Senate months. My remarkable journey from 99th in seniority to 98th.
"Believe me, when you're the last guy to ask questions at every
committee hearing, you have plenty of time to collect your
thoughts,'' he said. "Especially when Joe Biden's on the committee.

"I'll tell you, my recent Grammy was a big surprise. I thought, for
sure Jack Abramoff would win for his rendition of 'It's Hard Out
Here for a Pimp.' This whole ethics thing has been an adventure,''
said Obama, cast by his party to help seek ethical reforms in the
aftermath of the Abramoff scandal. "I was really excited when they
asked me to be the lead Democratic spokesman. But I don't know.
Turns out, it's a little like being given the Kryptonite concession
at a Superman convention. I mean, how did I know it was a freshman
hazing? Maybe I can explain it this way:''

And with that introduction, the band struck up a familiar refrain
from The Wizard of Oz, and Obama proceeded to sing from the podium,
with a steady, unflinching, and even in-tune delivery of a song
about the senator from Arizona with whom Obama recently shared a
rough-edged exchange of letters:

"I'm aspiring to greatness, but somehow I feel weightless. A
freshman's sad refrain. I could be a great uniter, making ethics
rules much tighter, If I only had McCain.

"I could bring us all together, no storm we couldn't weather. We'd
feel each other's pain. Red and blue wouldn't matter, party
differences would shatter, If I only had McCain.

"Oh why is it so hard, for honest men of good will to agree. If we
ever found a way to strike a deal, would we survive. politically?

"When a wide-eyed young idealist confronts a seasoned realist,
there's bound to be some strain. With the game barely started, I'd
be feeling less downhearted, If I only had McCain.

"Still I hope for the better, though I may rewrite my letter, cause
I gotta have McCain.''

Obama offered an unnecessary apology for his solo performance:
"Needless to say, my Grammy was in the spoken word category.

"I should say that I really do get along well with Sen. McCain,''
Obama told the hotel ballroom. "But as you know, not everyone in
politics does. Because of his superstar status, his virtuous image,
the kind of hero worship treatment he gets from all of 'you, some of
my colleagues call John a prima dona. Me? I call him a role model.
Think of it as affirmative action. Why should the white guys be the
only ones who are over-hyped?''

"By the way, before I forget,'' Obama prodded the media rich
audience. "Raise your hand if Karl Rove didn't tell you about
Valerie Plame. Some folks say you've lost your investigative
intensity. You were a little slow to question the weapons of mass
destruction. Maybe got a little used on that whole Valerie Plame
thing. But, by God, you brought Dick Cheney to justice, and the
world's better off for it. Or, at least Gridiron speakers and
late-night comedians were better off for it.''

Turning on his party, Obama said: "You know, the Gridiron Club is an
aging institution with a long, proud history, known today primarily
for providing a forum for jokes. To some,'' he said, "that may sound
like the Democratic Party.

"You hear this constant refrain from our critics that Democrats
don't stand for anything. That's really unfair,'' he said. "We do
stand for anything. Some folks say the answer for the Democratic
Party is to stop being so calculating and start standing up for
principle,'' he said. "In fact (Senate Minority Leader) Harry Reed's
appointed a task force to study this option.

"The Republicans have been poking fun at Democrats for not being
united behind a single voice in our party,'' Obama said. "I think
that's unfair, and it smacks a little of sexism. And just because
the leading voice in our party is a strong-willed, outspoken liberal
woman with a famous husband does not mean the Democrats are adrift..
And I, for one, want to thank Barbra Streisand for her great leadership.

"I'm sick of people attacking Democrats as being out of touch,
saying we lose elections because we're all a bunch of snobby
intellectuals who can't speak the common man's language,'' he said.
"I mean, what kind of a supercilious argument is that?

"Take John Edwards. He's leading a new war on poverty - from his
Chapel Hill estate. And he's educating us. I had no idea there was
so much poverty in New Hampshire.''

"Speaking of New Hampshire, a lot of speculation that that 2008
campaign could come down to Sen. McCain and Hillary Clinton. The
thing I don't think people realize is how much John and Hillary have
in common. They're both very smart. Both very hard-working. And
they're both hated by Republicans.''

"I mean, wow, it really has been a rough period for you, Mr.
President,'' Obama said. "I missed the Oscars, so when I picked up
the paper the next morning and saw Crash in the headlines, I just
assumed it was another Bush poll story.

"And how about that ports deal?'' he added, with a reference to the
attempted takeover of several U.S. port operations by an Arab firm
and a shot at Bush's experience with the aftermath of Hurricane
Katrina.. "I feel for you, sir. It's tough getting trapped in a
storm, when no one comes to help.''

"And then there's the flap about global warming,'' Obama said. "You
know, the Bush administration's been a little skeptical about the
whole concept of global warming. It's actually not the warming part
they question. It's the globe.. The president was so excited about
Tom Friedman's book, The World is Flat. As soon as he saw the title,
he said, 'You see? I was right.'''

"But when people say the administration is hostile to science,
that's really a bad rap. Just last week, they asked for a hundred
million dollars for the NIH to fund new research into leech therapy.

"I was told that this dinner is off the record,'' Obama said, moving
on to the National Security Agency's warrantless domestic
eavesdropping in search for terrorists. "No taping or recording of
this event, unless, of course, secretly authorized by the president.
I completely trust the president with that authority, by the way.
But just out of an abundance of caution, and not implying anything,
I've asked my staff to conduct all phone conversations in the Kenyan
dialect of Luo.

"Truth is, this domestic spying has all kinds of useful applications
for homeland security,'' he said. "And I have a suggestion in this
regard, Mr. President: you can spy on the Weather Channel, and find
out when big storms are coming.

"You all watch the winter Olympics?'' he asked. "I'm sure a lot of
us in politics were following that figure skating, because we can
identify with performers who spin wildly and sometimes fall on their
butts. I also enjoyed that biathlon, where they ski and shoot at the
same time.Probably not your sport, Mr. Vice President.''

Obama closed with thanks for all the celebrity he has found during
his brief tenure. "Most of all, I want to thank you for all the
generous advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a
successful career,'' he said. "When I actually do something, we'll
let you know.''

Classifieds

2006-04-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Spouse knows everything.

Ponderisms

2006-04-12T08:28:00.000-05:00

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· Are you still humming Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star.....?

Latitude & Longtitude

2006-04-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

Amazing! (Chris Bliss)

2006-04-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

Where are the traffic lights?

2006-04-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

http://youtube.com/watch_fullscreen?video_id=RjrEQaG5jPM&l=133&fs=1&title=India%20Driving